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In today’s mix of magic + musings: 🎶 Currently Playing, 💁♀️ Story Time from me, 🔮 Oracle Insights from the heavens, 💕 things I’m loving right now.
🎶 Currently Playing
I listen to this EVERY MORNING when I’m brushing my teeth and making AM digestive tea. Just put it on in the background as you go about your day!
💁♀️ Story Time:
For as far back as I can remember, I’ve been hard on myself. Regardless what anyone’s ever said to me, I’ve said worse. I saw hurtful comments from others as validation for my own thoughts. I picked apart every single thing about myself, but never had the strength or courage to do anything about it.
Instead of taking action, I would double down on the self-hate, which always sent me into a spiral of avoidant behavior I called hibernating. I hid from anyone and everyone, mostly because I couldn’t hide from myself.
hi·ber·nate | ˈhī-bər-ˌnāt | verb
to pass the winter in a torpid or resting state
to be or become inactive or dormant
I didn’t realize until recently, that my nervous system thought it was under constant attack, from none other than yours truely. I definitely remember learning about the nervous system in science class, but I think they forgot to mention the part where it pairs with crippling anxiety and depression.
It all started when I was a teenager, after my, um… let’s call it an incident, which tracks. Traumatic experiences and unprocessed emotions typically go hand in hand. What’s crazy is that I don’t really remember much pre incident. It’s almost like I blacked out and the trauma took its place.
Before this time, I think I was happy, but after, not so much. Post trauma required me to carry a lot of responsibility. As a preteen I was attempting and (obviously) failing at managing my emotions and the emotions of those around me, all while trying to keep my mouth shut. It’s like the day my abuse happened, the only words spoken were “don’t tell anyone”.
From that point forward it seemed like everyone wanted me to keep my big mouth shut. Open communication and sharing about feeling wasn’t encouraged. I was learning by example to bottle it all up and pretend everything was fine, which brings me back to hibernating.
Once my social battery had drained it’s supply, I inevitably hibernated, because I had nothing left to give, especially to myself. Being a fulltime people pleaser is fucking exhausting. You’re constantly checking in with the movements and emotions of other people. I didn’t know it at the time, but as an empath I was completed locked into other people’s frequencies.
em·path | ˈem-ˌpath | noun
one who experiences the emotions of others
a person who has empathy for others
I think that’s partly why I couldn’t focus (along with a little thing called undiagnosed ADHD). I was so tapped into other people’s energy and emotions that I was constantly missing and forgetting things. I can’t even tell you how many times I heard the words “you have to pay attention!” come out of my mom’s mouth.
BUT I COULDN’T! I was working overtime to figure out what I needed to say, how I needed to act, or what I needed to do. I was fishing for validation wherever I could find it. Self-worth was an elusive belief available to everyone but me. I often felt the need to make a fool of myself, act out, or talk loudly so other people would know how important I was and see my value.
I was driven to overcompensate by acting like the best friend to everyone. Happily conseeding to others by disregarding my own wants and needs for fear they’d think I was greedy. I attempted to be the epitome of perfection, but was never able to keep up the facade for long enough. Without fail I would upset my friends by saying something without thinking and putting my food in my mouth.
That’s when I started moving in private, not sharing important details about myself, life, or accomplishments because I thought being proud of yourself meant you were bragging. Surely no one would want to be friends with someone who’s boastful. At least that’s what was hammered into my head.
Back then my energy levels would die faster than an old iphone after the latest update and I didn’t know how to fix it. I was so focused on everyone else around me that I couldn’t conceptualize the fact that I could heal. In my warped perception this wasn’t even in the realm of possibility, because I thought the fix was tied to my (low/no) worth and value.
I was hard on myself, for something I didn’t know how to fix.
I hated myself, for something I didn’t know how to fix.
I gave myself cancer, for something I didn’t know know how to fix.
I’m sure you can see a theme here. Like the protagonist in any compelling story, I blamed myself for simply trying to survive. I used to think I was the only one who felt this way. Not know I was unintentionally carrying the guilt of others. I spent years relentlessly beating myself up for ‘not knowing/doing/being better’.
When faced with pain, we throw internal temper tantrums for things outside of our control. Then we start pointing fingers, looking for someone else to blame, in hopes this will help sooth our emotions. But it doesn’t. It just shifts you into a toxic relationship of victim vs. scapegoat.
scapegoat | /ˈskāpˌɡōt/ | noun
A scapegoat is a person, group, or thing that is unfairly blamed for the mistakes, problems, or bad actions of others. People often use a scapegoat to hide their own faults, avoid taking responsibility, or redirect anger away from themselves.
And the bigger issue here, is that it’s generational. If my parents knew how to fix it/me, I’m sure they would have. It’s not like they wanted to see me suffer and hold back the golden ticket or keys to success. They simply didn’t know how, so I could never fault them. And when you zoom out, how much worse was the generation before them? It’s only until recently that human beings stopped acting like savages.
We don’t (and won’t) always have all the answers. And I think that’s the point. This is the game of life, where we cosplay human beings who are forced to learn and grow through varying levels of adversity. If I know anything about games, I know they’re intentionally hard—but also fun, especially when playing with people you love.
If this is a game (and I suspect it is), that means there are well thought out levels and challenges, of varying degrees of difficulty, designed to help us evolve. AKA it’s not boring. Life isn’t meant to be easy, otherwise it would be incredibly uninteresting and we wouldn’t participate.
Like it or not, life is built on lessons and the people around you will always mirror back parts and aspects of yourself that need healing. It was specifically designed this way. It’s up to you if you’re going to rise to the occasion and meet them or not.
And if you need help, call me ;)
If this resonated, tap the ❤️ below so more people can find this message.
“Care about what other people think, and you will always be their prisoner.”
-Lao Tzu 🤍
🔮 Oracle Insights:
What's rising now is not evidence you've gotten it wrong — it's curriculum. The wounds and conflicts that have quietly hardened your heart are surfacing so you can soften your way back to love, toward those who hurt you and most tenderly toward yourself. Your soul chose these wild swings of agony and sweetness because this is exactly how it grows. So lay it all down — the fear, the hurt, the weary vigilance — on the Great Mother's altar, and fall completely into arms that have held you since your first breath. You are not failing. You are being initiated into a life truly lived.
💕 What I’m loving right now:
Fresh Mouth: Listerine PocketPaks Breath Strips (they’re probably not healthy, but I love ‘em)
Bug Repellant: Kate Mcleod's Bug Balm All-Natural Insect Repellent (this shit works!)
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