I Was So Good at Being Okay That Nobody Noticed I Wasn't

04.02 Weekly Drop ✨

Apr 02, 2026

In today’s mix of magic + musings: Upcoming ⚡️ Energy Update + 🪄 a spell to help alchemize. Followed by 🫶 Client Corner, 💁‍♀️ Story Time from me, 🔮 Oracle Insights from the heavens, 💕things I’m loving right now.

⚡️ Week of April 2nd Energy Update:

🪐 All Planets Have Gone Direct

Right now every single planet is moving direct, which means we’ve entered a rare window of unobstructed momentum. Our next major retrograde (Mercurty) doesn’t hit until the end of June, which gives us a break from reflecting and places us firmly in a season of execution.

This is your time to stop over-analyzing your past and start over-delivering on your future.

🌎 4/4 Portal, Saturday April 4, known as the Master Foundation Portal

This is the Architect’s Day. In numerology, 4 is the number of the square—stability, EArth, and the four concerns of your home. So think of Saturday as a stability upgrade. It’s time to move away from figuring things out and move into physical commitment.

If you’ve been thinking about doing something, now’s the time to execute!

💫This is your time to claim the leading role in your own life! Don’t wait for a sign, just know you’re being supported in everything you do.

This is a reprogramming ritual with repetition meant to move your goal from conscious to subconscious, so that you start acting on it automatically.

Pick one goal: Be specific and write in present tense.

Ex: “I am so grateful for the consistent, compounding flow of abundance in my life” or "I am grounded in a life that feels as good as it looks"

Then hand write this exact statement 44 times every day for 4 days straight. The physical act of writing connects your brain to your hand and helps to solidify it in your subconscious mind. If you happen to miss a day, start over as this energy is about discipline.

On the 4th day, after the final sentence, burn the paper or bury it in a garden to let the Universe take over the heavy lifting.

FYI: Since all planets are moving direct right now, you might notice that while doing the 444 method, you get sudden “downloads” or ideas for physical actions you should take. Pay attention to those—that’s the planets helping you execute!

🫶 Overheard in Session

“Looking for validation from other people hasn't fed you in the way you're looking for. If it's not working, it has to change. And the base of that for you is freedom — because freedom means authenticity, stepping into your power, and doing whatever feels right in the moment.”

“When you say yes to others, make sure you aren't saying no to yourself." — Paulo Coelho 🤍

💁‍♀️ Story Time:

I grew up very aware of my body and not in a good way. I was constantly thinking about and being reminded of it by my parents, friends, even strangers. I also developed my… personality when I was 10 or 11, which garnered a lot of unwanted attention at a young age.

I can’t ever remember being given permission or even encouragement to love my body. Instead, I was taught to restrict, criticize, and cover it up. I was already living in shame and wasn’t even aware of it.

And that’s not to put blame on my parents, because I’m sure they weren’t taught to love their bodies either, especially growing up in the 80s-90’s when diet culture was at its peak. Insert a box of Snackwells cookies and a reheatable Lean Cuisine here (which probably contributed to my cancer. I’m mostly kidding).

I just thought that was normal. I remember my Yiayia specifically commenting on women’s bodies: this person got so heavy, that person lost a lot of weight. It was a constant topic of conversation, which kept feeding me the same message. If you want people to like you, or better yet, love you, you had to be thin.

This story would later get reinforced by my mother, who was trying to motivate me to lose weight, “Don’t you want to have a boyfriend one day?” Or how my dad would bully me, calling me tubby and making comments like thunder thighs. Talk about a self-esteem boost.

tub·by | /ˈtəbē/ | adjective
(of a person) short and rather fat.

But I get it. My parents unfortunately were at a loss and didn’t know what to do, so they tried a method they thought would work. Instead it just made everything worse. I’m a very sensitive person, which makes sense given my line of work, so I took those words to heart and instead of motivating me, then sent me deeper into a negative pattern of self-loathing.

I kept turning to food for comfort because I didn’t know where else to get it. There was no where else to turn. There’s nothing quite as shitty as feeling unloved and as a result I started acting out. I didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back now it’s make sense. And to be clear, this is not to say my parents didn’t love me, because they did, just not in the way that I needed it. But I’m sure it was hard to love me. I was a naughty kid, so fearful of being herself, yearning so deeply for love.

yearn | /yərn/ | verb
have an intense feeling of longing for something, typically something that one been separated from or that is unattainable.

It’s the sense of being totally isolated while surrounded by people. Plus, add in the fact that I’m a naturally happy person, one who learned how to don a mask of perfection, holding her secrets close to the chest, afraid someone may find out the truth of who I am at a moments notice and decide to leave.

When you appear to be happy all the time, people don’t question the darkness that lives inside you, because they don’t even know it exists. But I didn’t want to continue living this way. I wanted to be truly happy, so I went looking for it in all the wrong places.

Insert a bunch of losers, drugs, and self-sacrificing here. First, I tried to find happiness in drugs, which made me temporarily happy. Then I looked for happiness and love in guys, which only buried the issues and emotions I was already trying to escape. And when all else failed, I turned inward and started sacrificing parts of myself for the wants and needs of others.

We don’t have time to go through the LAUNDRY LIST of people pleasing activities I used to partake in. It’s longer than a CVS receipt and extremely embarrassing, so I’ll spare you the details. Just know that in my pursuit of happiness I became a full on people pleaser.

peo·ple-pleas·er | /ˈpēpəl ˌplēzər/ | noun
a person who has an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of their own needs or desires.

I thought putting people first would prove my value and worth. I was sacrificing for others, surely when I needed them, they would sacrifice for me? WRONG. That’s not how it works, which is why the people pleaser inevitably turns resentful. Translation: it’s time to look inward. My people pleasing, self-loathing, and cancer diagnosis were the trifecta I needed to turn my life around.

We may desire change, but if we’re not ready it’s never going to happen. And if you’re focused on the wrong things, you’ll never see that the answers you’ve been seeking are right inside you. For me it started as an emotional tug. Observing how others put themselves first without guilt or shame, valuing themselves and their time more than anyone else. I used to label it as selfish, but now I see it as a an act of love. And I wanted that kind of love.

I’d gone up and down with my weight for as long as I can remember, and at this point I was at the highest I’d ever been. I wasn’t able to lose weight, because I needed to heal first. I owed it to myself to understand what my body had been screaming at me for the past 10+ years. The feelings I’d so easily suppressed and ignored.

The emotional tug turned into a dull ache in my heart. A constant thought and realization that I didn’t have to continue living like this. That I could love myself. That I deserved to be happy, truly happy.

When a thought or feeling creeps into your awareness, pay attention. Nothing arrives by accident. There is always a reason, always a message. We leave ourselves little breadcrumbs to follow back toward healing. And while this looks different for everyone, the throughlines are always the same.

We all want security, worthiness, connection, autonomy, competence, and authenticity.

Once you become aware of how your thoughts or behaviors fit into these categories, you’re ready for healing. It’s the turning point of admitting to yourself that something needs to change. You don’t have to have any answers, it simply comes down to awareness and honesty with yourself.

This is why I won’t shut up about setting intentions. It kickstarts everything and cracks the door open to possibility. It allows new awarenesses to come into your auric field. Spirit is more clever than we’ll ever be, which means the opportunity for magic and miracles to find us, just when we need them most is ever abundant IF YOU LET THEM IN. If you admit that you’re ready for change.

There’s a whole new life waiting for you on the other side of avoidance. One filled with an overflow of love, joy, and security. This isn’t just a pipe dream, it’s a total possibility. And if you need help, reach out to me. I want to help you get there!

If this resonated with you, tap the ❤️ so more people can find this message.
And share in the comments, what cycle are you ready to break?

🔮 Oracle Insights:

You’ve Done This Before. And You Don’t Have to Do It Alone.

The cards this week are delivering one unified message: you carry ancient wisdom inside you that the world needs right now, and you didn’t just pick it up in this lifetime. The gifts, the knowing, the pull toward something bigger? You’ve been here before. But here’s the other half of that message is that you’re not meant to carry it alone. So many of us are great at solitude and have quietly slipped into isolation without realizing it. Real connection, physical presence, actual people in your life — that’s not a distraction from the mission. That’s how the mission moves so let people in.

Starseed Soul Inquiry: How can you reach out to someone in your physical life this week?